Those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t play, coach. And those who can’t blog . . . review the blogs that are finalists for the 2008 Weblog Awards.  So here goes.  (All photos taken from respective blogs.)

To keep this post and other reviews a manageable length, I’m sticking to one category per post.  There’s no way I’ll get through all the categories before voting starts on January 5, but I’ll try to get through several before voting closes on January 12.  The time I spend looking at each nominated blog will necessarily be short, my evaluation cursory, and my comments undoubtedly unfair.  But I’m going to give ‘em anyway.

This time, the category is “best celebrity blogger.”

Ugh. Just the concept of a celebrity blogger made me cringe. We conservatives have been complaining a long time about celebrities spouting off about politics. Laura Ingraham wrote a whole damn book about it.

But aside from that, I lack the chromosome that creates interest in celebrities’ lives.  I’m not anti-celebrity.  I just don’t get the fascination so many people have with such things like who’s dating whom, who’s cellulite was showing in St. Tropez, who got a tummy tuck, and who stormed out of what restaurant after fighting with their boyfriend/girlfriend.  Which means I haven’t heard of half of these people.

So, I figured, what better place to start than the “Best Celebrity Blogger” category?  So, here we go.  And realize I am rather biased gong onto this.

Kat Dennings. No idea who this chick is.  At all.  So I Google her and run across her IMDB page.  Still no clue.  I guess I am not plugged into today’s pop culture.  Included among her trivia: “Owns an Apple Macbook from 2006.”  Deep.  If that’s one of the most interesting things about her, how much interesting can she have to say? Not much, from what I could tell.  She’s 22 years old and in show business.  Do we really need to know more?  But give her credit for recognizing her limitations:

Up until now I’d been thinking that I had everything figured out, that I was preternaturally aware of what I should do and sort of what other people should do too. But I realized recently:

I don’t know ANYTHING about ANYTHING.

About anything, for crying out loud! What am I even talking about? Do you see what I mean?

Typical showbiz Obamamania.  And how the hell do you get voted best anything for your blog when you post 1 to 4 times per month?

John Mayer. Musician.  Don’t know any of his stuff.  Apparently has a baking fetish. I actually got a kick out of the photos and I liked the interfaith angle on his holiday baking.  Liked his post about the perils of paparazzi.  Shock: more Obamamania. Again, at a couple posts per month, how do you get nominated?

Britney Spears. I feel sorry for this girl, I really do.  I don’t follow celebrities, but you can’t avoid news about her, and it’s mostly just sad.  So I go to her blog expecting to read a lot of fluff, and then I realize that she doesn’t actually write any of the posts there, so how the hell does she get nominated as best celebrity blogger?  Isn;t anybody paying attention here?  The noms de blog of the actual posters give you an idea of the quality of the site: “Jen, Britney’s British Bitch”; “Traci, Britney’s Blonde Bitch”;  “Meriah, Britney’s Lead Bitch.”  Get the picture?

Alyssa Milano. I didn‘t bother reading anything here, partly because it’s a baseball blog and I never cared about baseball (so call me un-American), but mostly because I got distracted by her pictures page.  She’s always been a pretty girl, but … WOW! She is absolutely stunning in these photos.    Her “about” page chronicles some admirable work she does on behalf of children.  So, she gets my vote for babetitude, philanthropy, and for presumably being intelligent enough to write about baseball, which has intricacies way beyond my understanding.  And since it’s a baseball blog, I’m also presuming it’s missing the obligatory celebrity blog Obama post.

KanYe West. I was going to bypass this asshole’s blog completely, but the pictures caught my eye.  That’s what most of the posts are: a title and a picture.  The guy gets 25 comments on a picture of a shoe.  So I guess he’s on to something.  But I won’t be going back.

Brea Grant. Another one . . . I have no idea who this chick is.  Then I check her IMDB page, and I get it: she’s on Heroes.  27 years old, looks 17.  Her opinion on movies, books, jewelry.  What the hell, giving opinions is the same thing I do here, so how can I criticize her?  But by now, I am getting past the idea that I’ll find anything beyond superficial fluff on many of these damn celebrity blogs. But I guess the world needs superficial fluff, too.

Margaret Cho. I wince as I click on the link, and am relieved there is no picture on her blog’s home page.  I’v always found this woman to be foul-mouthed, foul-minded, and foul-looking, and a lot of the third has to do with the first two.  Sorry, but I can’t bring myself to read a word. Hey, I told you these reviews wouldn’t be fair.

Mark Cuban. I had all I could take of this guy on Dancing with the Stars a year or two ago.  (Yeah, I watch it . . . what are you gonna say?  That it’s for sissies?  Tell that to Emmitt Smith, who won the damn thing a couple of years ago, or to Jerry Rice or Warren Sapp, both of whom have been contestants.)  I guess every blogger has a big ego, but Cuban’s is the size of Manhattan.  Barely skimmed his blog, posts are way too long (look who’s talking!), and I couldn’t imagine I’d find anything interesting there.  Then I saw this post honoring the military, and I thought the guy’s got balls to post that after financing the making of  Redacted and the distribution of Loose Change.  What the hell?

Gilbert Arenas. NBA star and blogger in one.  Given that he plays in a league that seems sometimes like it’s full mostly of criminals, I like what I see on his site.  Anyone who uses their celebrity to do good is OK by me . . . at least on those occasions.  I can even forgive him getting “Change we believe in” and “44″  tattoo’d between his fingers in reaction to Obama’s election.

Wil Wheaton. This is the smart kid in the great movie Stand by Me and whose Wesley Crusher character on Star Trek: The Next Generation was supposed to be some future version of Horatio Hornblower but was mostly just annoying.  Turns out he’s a geek in real life too — and proud of it — and his blogging is, surprisingly, not annoying.  This is a guy who does not seem too full of himself and is grateful for what show biz has done for him.  And he gets bonus points for his blog’s subtitle: “Wil Wheaton says: Don’t be a dick!”

So, there you have it.  My completely biased and unfair reviews of the best celebrity blogger finalists.  I probably missed a lot of stuff on their blogs that totally conflict with these reviews.  But these are my stories, and I’m sticking to ‘em.

2008 Weblog Awards links:

Voting rules are here.

FAQs here.

Vote for “Best Celebrity Blogger,” if you must, here.

Links to the polls for all categories are here.

List of finalists in all categories here.